he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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