The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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