It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
