I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
As shirtless as possible
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
