Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
