oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
