so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
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I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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