my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
