New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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