I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
