True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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