You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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