I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
