my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
