I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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