You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know š
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
