You're my little dorito
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
