How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
