remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
