You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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