The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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