remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
