She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
