dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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