I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
