This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
