when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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