I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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