"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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