I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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