My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
