Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
this is an emotional support booty call
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
