He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
