Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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