Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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