my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
