I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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