Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
BRING THE BAGELS
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
