Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
