College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
