My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
