nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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