you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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