I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
