I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
