i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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