She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
