Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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