and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
