question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
