I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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