I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
