I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
