There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is Oprah even human
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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