Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have feelings that need drinking.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
