Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
