You just made me feel so damn special
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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