Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
