Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Omg the world wants us to be better people