I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?