The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.