my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.