so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bring me that man meat
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
