the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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