I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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